I'm sick of being lonely. I don't think people around me understand that I may act happy and smile all the time, but i'm not happy. I'm going through a lot, just like a lot of people are now a days. but on top of all of that, i'm lonely. I have no one to talk to. I have no one to text every now and then and have them just listen and understand me. every single one of my friends has someone. all of my close friends anyways. they have a boy friend or girl friend that they always turn to and talk to and be with when they feel lonely. not me.
on top of that, I'm always sick and i need my surgery now. but I can't take time off of school to just have surgery because professors don't really give a shit about health. I'm not doing as well in my classes as i should be because I've surrounded my life with alpha and house president stuff. my parents are going though god knows what, and they should have done it years ago and I can't just block that out because I love my mom more than life and I can't stand her being sad or frustrated.
I feel like I vent and rant so much these days but whatever. no one reads this so it's all good.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I'm happy you're happy.
I think I'm finally realizing I'm never really going to be the "girlfriend type" of girl. I'm always guys best friends. the girl they go to for girl advice for the girl they like, which is NEVER me. I have let you go so many times. okay just twice. but why does it always have to be people i'm friends with? the first time was my BEST FREAKIN FRIEND. you lead me on. you made me think you waanted to be with me. you asked me to go with you to prom. and then you took it all back. then you guys broke up. i held your hand through everything. you lead me on again. we talk all the time. then bam i see you this weekend and you tell me you want advice for another one of my friends you want to be with.
i know as the girl who has always secretly liked you i should want whatever makes you happy. but since you know i like you, why do you lead me on adn then go and find something better? i understand you can find someone prettier, skinner, smarter, i realize all of this. but just once i'd like to be that girl. just once. so stop playing with me adn leave me alone.
I think I'm finally realizing I'm never really going to be the "girlfriend type" of girl. I'm always guys best friends. the girl they go to for girl advice for the girl they like, which is NEVER me. I have let you go so many times. okay just twice. but why does it always have to be people i'm friends with? the first time was my BEST FREAKIN FRIEND. you lead me on. you made me think you waanted to be with me. you asked me to go with you to prom. and then you took it all back. then you guys broke up. i held your hand through everything. you lead me on again. we talk all the time. then bam i see you this weekend and you tell me you want advice for another one of my friends you want to be with.
i know as the girl who has always secretly liked you i should want whatever makes you happy. but since you know i like you, why do you lead me on adn then go and find something better? i understand you can find someone prettier, skinner, smarter, i realize all of this. but just once i'd like to be that girl. just once. so stop playing with me adn leave me alone.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
What am I doing?
I'm freaking out. I feel as though I do this a lot lately, but I'm seriously freaking out.
I am the type of person that has schedules planned, planners filled out, homework done early, appointments scheduled, just everything ready to go and done before needed. Right now, all I can think about is how I'm getting my homework done like the night before, how I don't know where I'm going to live next year, and hell, if I'm even going to be in school next semester.
If I don't make it into the college of education in 8 days, I will have to drop out for a semester. I refuse to change my major and I don't want to pay money I DON'T have to take bullshit classes that I won't ever use for a semester.
I need a place to live next semester. My two best friends at whitewater are leaving, one for a better school and one to study abroad to get a life experience. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean I know people that want to live with me, but it's seriously scaring the poop out of me.
On top of all of my necessary stressing, I"M SO SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I"M A SHITTY HOUSE PRESIDENT. I am trying my freaking hardest people and if that isn't good enough for you, ask me to step down or leave. I am taking 18 credits, working 10 hours a week, I'm in two different orgs besides Alpha and I"m house president. I know that I took on too much, but shoot me. I'm trying to be a good sister and I'm trying to get a head start on my career and life. It's not my fault people can't clean up their shit after they have an event at a house they don't' even live at. The women of this house do not need to clean up after you time after time. That is not why they live there.
I am so sorry I ranted, but I'm going to be honest and tell you that I feel a lot better. Which is weird because I"m not even ranting to anyone.
I am the type of person that has schedules planned, planners filled out, homework done early, appointments scheduled, just everything ready to go and done before needed. Right now, all I can think about is how I'm getting my homework done like the night before, how I don't know where I'm going to live next year, and hell, if I'm even going to be in school next semester.
If I don't make it into the college of education in 8 days, I will have to drop out for a semester. I refuse to change my major and I don't want to pay money I DON'T have to take bullshit classes that I won't ever use for a semester.
I need a place to live next semester. My two best friends at whitewater are leaving, one for a better school and one to study abroad to get a life experience. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean I know people that want to live with me, but it's seriously scaring the poop out of me.
On top of all of my necessary stressing, I"M SO SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I"M A SHITTY HOUSE PRESIDENT. I am trying my freaking hardest people and if that isn't good enough for you, ask me to step down or leave. I am taking 18 credits, working 10 hours a week, I'm in two different orgs besides Alpha and I"m house president. I know that I took on too much, but shoot me. I'm trying to be a good sister and I'm trying to get a head start on my career and life. It's not my fault people can't clean up their shit after they have an event at a house they don't' even live at. The women of this house do not need to clean up after you time after time. That is not why they live there.
I am so sorry I ranted, but I'm going to be honest and tell you that I feel a lot better. Which is weird because I"m not even ranting to anyone.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
stupid boys...don't read this...reallly...
So don't read this if you don't want to hear me complain about my ex because its really stupid and its just me venting about absolutely nothing. so seriously, stop here. its not worth it..
When I see you, it brings back all of those stupid feels that I had when we were dating. The fact that you treated me so nicely, but made me feel like crap all at the same time. I couldn't talk to my friends that were boys, even if I told you they were gay. I couldn't hang out with my friends on weekends, because that was your time. I couldn't hang out with my friends without texting you every single thing we were doing. You always told me that it was because you were so protective of me because of how much you loved me. You treated me so well in all other ways. Now we're not even dating and you make me feel like crap because I didn't say "hi" to you. You made me feel like someone actually cared about me when we were together, but now I think your aim is to just make me feel like no one ever will.
When I see you, it brings back all of those stupid feels that I had when we were dating. The fact that you treated me so nicely, but made me feel like crap all at the same time. I couldn't talk to my friends that were boys, even if I told you they were gay. I couldn't hang out with my friends on weekends, because that was your time. I couldn't hang out with my friends without texting you every single thing we were doing. You always told me that it was because you were so protective of me because of how much you loved me. You treated me so well in all other ways. Now we're not even dating and you make me feel like crap because I didn't say "hi" to you. You made me feel like someone actually cared about me when we were together, but now I think your aim is to just make me feel like no one ever will.
Friday, September 2, 2011
FREAKING OUT
So I realize that I have really overdone myself already. School doesn't even start until next week and I can already feel the stress and overwhelming feelings set in. I have Alpha Sigma, House president duties, 18 credits, 15-20 hours a week at work, America Reads, Conduct board, and possibly an honors group Sigma Alpha Pi. HOW THE F AM I GOING TO LIVE?! On top of all of this, my 18 credits include my worst subject in life. like literally, the worst subject I can ever go through is Physics and I have to take it.
I don't know what I can really take out. Sure, I can take out conduct board, but that's not every week, its randomly and to be honest, I started that a few days before my freshman year and its a really good job to have on a resume. I don't want to, and I really can't take out America Reads because besides my 18 credits, its my only thing that is acutally going to my major. I'm sure as hell not giving up Alpha and House president because 1, I love my sisters and 2, I refuse to quite like the rest of my greek family. I obviously can't go down on credits because I want to graduate before I'm 80 and I need all of those classes anyways.
I'm so sorry I'm ranting, and to anyone who dare read this, I feel for you. I've never really used a blog, but god damn it feels good to vent even if no one reads it and no one cares!
I don't know what I can really take out. Sure, I can take out conduct board, but that's not every week, its randomly and to be honest, I started that a few days before my freshman year and its a really good job to have on a resume. I don't want to, and I really can't take out America Reads because besides my 18 credits, its my only thing that is acutally going to my major. I'm sure as hell not giving up Alpha and House president because 1, I love my sisters and 2, I refuse to quite like the rest of my greek family. I obviously can't go down on credits because I want to graduate before I'm 80 and I need all of those classes anyways.
I'm so sorry I'm ranting, and to anyone who dare read this, I feel for you. I've never really used a blog, but god damn it feels good to vent even if no one reads it and no one cares!
Updates on my life - a post from earlier today that didn't post :)
So update on my life, here goes:
I am all moved into the alpha house, which has been pretty fun for the past week or so. Everyone else is slowly moving in and getting ready for another year. I have been seriously wondering if teaching is the right path for me. I feel as though some people look down on teachers and don't expect much of them. I want to have kids someday, and a teacher salary isn't going to let me give them everything they deserve to grow up with. I know that helping and teaching kids is my passion, but is it a passion that I am willing to sacrifice for? on top of that, I'm not smart enough to get another degree anyways.
Secondly, my life has been pretty interesting at home. My parents are finally separating I believe and although it's not the most comforting feeling in the world, all I want is for my mom to be happy. She inst' happy where she's living and doing what she's doing. My mom means the world to me (all that musy-gushy stuff). I want the best for her. I someone to treat her right, not be a drunk asshole who can't speak clearly and remember what he says still hurts, sober or drunk.
That's all for nowwwwwww.. i'll add more later :)
I am all moved into the alpha house, which has been pretty fun for the past week or so. Everyone else is slowly moving in and getting ready for another year. I have been seriously wondering if teaching is the right path for me. I feel as though some people look down on teachers and don't expect much of them. I want to have kids someday, and a teacher salary isn't going to let me give them everything they deserve to grow up with. I know that helping and teaching kids is my passion, but is it a passion that I am willing to sacrifice for? on top of that, I'm not smart enough to get another degree anyways.
Secondly, my life has been pretty interesting at home. My parents are finally separating I believe and although it's not the most comforting feeling in the world, all I want is for my mom to be happy. She inst' happy where she's living and doing what she's doing. My mom means the world to me (all that musy-gushy stuff). I want the best for her. I someone to treat her right, not be a drunk asshole who can't speak clearly and remember what he says still hurts, sober or drunk.
That's all for nowwwwwww.. i'll add more later :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
sick of being sick.
Heyyyy there guyss.
so i've never had a blog before, so forgive me!
A little life update:
I have been SO SO SO sick since the E-board retreat. We all met up in Whitewater to have lunch with our advisor and so that the Gamma Chi people could carpool with us back to, no joke, 8 minutes from where I live to camp. At camp, we set up a tent, did some e-board buisness and pretty much just talked. we went to bed, and all was well, UNITLL MIDNIGHT. i got up (sorry for the gross-ness) but i puked 18 times. In the morning Sobie let me go home cuase i was dying. I tried unitl Sunday night to drink water or eat food, but i would keep getting sick. Monday came, i had to go into work for 4 hours but i had kept a few crackers down and a little water by now.
Today is Tuesday and i have kept down mashed potatoes and a little bit of pasta but i'm scared to eat anything more than three or four bites. I have slept most of the days and only get up to take headache medicine and force myself to drink water. They think i have severe heat exhaustion but they aren't sure. they can't really do anything for me.
Otherwise, my birthday was pretty good. I got an owl ring and I get to go to Ikea next weekend\, hopefully. My brother bought a new truck, which means were selling one of our cars, pray for Betsy to stay please.
Love you all!
so i've never had a blog before, so forgive me!
A little life update:
I have been SO SO SO sick since the E-board retreat. We all met up in Whitewater to have lunch with our advisor and so that the Gamma Chi people could carpool with us back to, no joke, 8 minutes from where I live to camp. At camp, we set up a tent, did some e-board buisness and pretty much just talked. we went to bed, and all was well, UNITLL MIDNIGHT. i got up (sorry for the gross-ness) but i puked 18 times. In the morning Sobie let me go home cuase i was dying. I tried unitl Sunday night to drink water or eat food, but i would keep getting sick. Monday came, i had to go into work for 4 hours but i had kept a few crackers down and a little water by now.
Today is Tuesday and i have kept down mashed potatoes and a little bit of pasta but i'm scared to eat anything more than three or four bites. I have slept most of the days and only get up to take headache medicine and force myself to drink water. They think i have severe heat exhaustion but they aren't sure. they can't really do anything for me.
Otherwise, my birthday was pretty good. I got an owl ring and I get to go to Ikea next weekend\, hopefully. My brother bought a new truck, which means were selling one of our cars, pray for Betsy to stay please.
Love you all!
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