An Update?

So I guess this could be considered an update on my life:

Next semester I"m a Gamma chi, I'm Vice President of a national honors society, I'm on e-board for my sorority, I'm taking 18 credits, I have 2 student teaching placements, and I have to stay on the deans list from last semster. Why can't I learn from previous semstes I can't take all of this on?!?

I'm super excited about my house next year with one my littles, nicole and melissa/ariah. Its going to be a huge change from have 14 roommates, but lets be honest, its a nice change :) Aside from that, I really hope the whole sublease thing works out okay - I'm getting nervous about it...

My new job is going SO well. I LOVE IT. I'm making enough money where I feel like I can breath again. I've already made enough to pay for rent first semster, and by next week 2nd semesters too. Then I'll jump into my tuition bill. HA.

My family is super crazy right now. I miss the way my family use to be- when my brother was home and I didn't feel like all the fights were centered around me. It felt like my brother some how protected me becuase he always stood up for me by telling them to stop fighting or talking to me so I wouldn't notice. I dont think he realized he did that, but he did. I just want my mom to be happy, and I don't think she is right now. It breaks my heart. She deserves so much more.

My friends at home are doing well - it seems like everyone is in a really happy place right now, which is good for them. they all kinda have their crushes or boyfriends and thats great that they're happy!

Downside of life: My health isn't doign so well. My anemia has gotten really bad and now I have to see a specialist at the Carbon Cancer Center in madison. Hopefully I don't have to have a blood transfusion but its looking like that or an iron infusion. It scares me to the point where I'm seriously binging on meat - and that's not like me.

So I guess that's my update?

sigh.

My life feels so out of sorts lately. For some unknown reason I feel like I'm standing still and everyone else is moving forward. I can't keep up in classes, I'm sick of people saying I have an easy major, and everyone around me seems so ungodly happy that it kills me.
My new job is wonderful, but everyone sees me as a child instead of an adult that they can work with. I'm just a kid who got hired by her mommy. cool. thanks. I have my own talents you know. On top of this, I am watching so many people be or find a relationship that makes them happy. For once I wish I was pretty enough for a guy to want to spend more time with me and be with me. I watch everyone have guys, multiple some times, throw themselves at girls and I sit here and watch. I feel like in a certain situation, I'm watching my own heart be pulled out again. On one had, I'm happy for them, on the other, it hurts like you can't believe.
My computer crashed and I lost everything, and yes, this is the second time this semester. I don't have money to get a new computer so I spent like 5 straight hours trying to complete this project I had due. I shut down my computer for the night and what does it do? deletes all of my documents, again. Professors don't care because they think your lying and my parents can't help because they are going through a lot right now too.
To add a cherry to the top, I'm becoming sick again. My anemia is through the roof and if I dip any lower I don't know what's going to happen. I'm getting sinus infections again, which is the first sign for another surgery, which honestly, I might turn down. I'm sick of them and they only work for like a year. 

I hope life picks up this summer. I could really use a break, as I'm sure many people could.

summer. i guess.

Maybe I'm just over reacting, but I guess i'm just at a point in my life where I feel so lost. I have two friends who don't drink much but besides that, EVERYTHING in my life seems to revolve around drinking and alcohol.

All kids, especially college kids, are suppose to look forward to summer. They can hang with friends and do no school work what so ever. Not me. Not me at all. I am dreading summer. I have no friends that don't drink. ALL of my friends back home either 21 or have a fake ID, neither of which apply to me. I dont' want to go home because my summer will suck. Maybe I'm trying to be good to much of the time, except I don't not drink because I want to be "good". its because I've watched my whole family fall apart because of some stupid liquid that seems to be the center of everyone's world right now. Yes, I also don't drink because a teacher with an underage is really gonna get me far in life, but seriously, why can't we just have fun without drinking like we use to? So here's to a summer full of doing nothing, taking summer classes, and having no friends at home. Hopefully my sisters will come visit :)

Alpha flipping Sigma

To start, let's talk about Alpha. I FUCKING LOVE ALPHA SIGMA. This sorority is a place that has the most unusual group of girls that you will ever see together. We have geeks, models, outcasts, populars, Leaders, followers, hard workers, people that just get by, poor people, rich people, shit we have everyone, and it's awesome. When I went through formal recruitment, I went because my roommate the the time wanted someone to go with. I walked in and felt so at home, so comfortable, and I have never stopped feeling that way. Alpha has its problems, it dirty laundry, yes, don't get me wrong. The bottom line that we are sisters, and no matter what, we have each others back. I am part of e-board and we go through a lot of shit that people bring up, however, when it gets down to it, we all love each other for various reasons. I would NOT be in school if it weren't for alpha. I am proud to say I'm an Alpha Sigma Active member. I am proud because of our high grades, our sisterhood, our spark, and our love for each other and our sorority.

Drowning.

I'm drowning.

I can't keep up with everything I have going, which is embarassing because compared to some people I don't have very much. I have 18 credits, student teaching, my CLD job, sorority life, house president, and Kappa Delta Pi. in all honesty, I just feel like i'm never going to be caught up to where I feel comfortable. All I ever do is homework. Like saturday, I did 6 hours and I'm only caught up to Wednesday's classes. WHAT THE FUC*.

Secondly, and this is so hard to say, i miss being home. I miss my mom (sure go ahead and laugh, but we're best friends) She is going through so much right now and I want to be there for her so badly. Secondly, i miss my friends. They are all at madison/matc and they get to spend every day together and i'm here. don't get me wrong, i love it here. I have some of the best friends here and I love them. its just hard seeing my friends back home so incredibly happy without me, becuase I stupidly thought I was part of what made them happy. I'm just glad I have my sisters. I can at least rub that in their faces :)

you can't always name something.

I'm sick of being lonely. I don't think people around me understand that I may act happy and smile all the time, but i'm not happy. I'm going through a lot, just like a lot of people are now a days. but on top of all of that, i'm lonely. I have no one to talk to. I have no one to text every now and then and have them just listen and understand me. every single one of my friends has someone. all of my close friends anyways. they have a boy friend or girl friend that they always turn to and talk to and be with when they feel lonely. not me.

on top of that, I'm always sick and i need my surgery now. but I can't take time off of school to just have surgery because professors don't really give a shit about health. I'm not doing as well in my classes as i should be because I've surrounded my life with alpha and house president stuff. my parents are going though god knows what, and they should have done it years ago and I can't just block that out because I love my mom more than life and I can't stand her being sad or frustrated.

I feel like I vent and rant so much these days but whatever. no one reads this so it's all good.

I'm happy you're happy.

I think I'm finally realizing I'm never really going to be the "girlfriend type" of girl. I'm always guys best friends. the girl they go to for girl advice for the girl they like, which is NEVER me. I have let you go so many times. okay just twice. but why does it always have to be people i'm friends with? the first time was my BEST FREAKIN FRIEND. you lead me on. you made me think you waanted to be with me. you asked me to go with you to prom. and then you took it all back. then you guys broke up. i held your hand through everything. you lead me on again. we talk all the time. then bam i see you this weekend and you tell me you want advice for another one of my friends you want to be with.

i know as the girl who has always secretly liked you i should want whatever makes you happy. but since you know i like you, why do you lead me on adn then go and find something better? i understand you can find someone prettier, skinner, smarter, i realize all of this. but just once i'd like to be that girl. just once. so stop playing with me adn leave me alone.